25 Rules for Moms with Sons
1. Teach him the words for how he
feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out
of embarrassment. He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body
move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the
appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other
people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that
emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he
will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment
and grief.
2.
Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest
person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell
you to "stop, mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics. There is no
doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from
boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your
blog where you've been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty
to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He
will say he's embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person
that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher,
and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to
do it. But someday his wife will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with
him.
Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their
parents." Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in
pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you
reading...reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help
him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers
are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we
lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other;
what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those
memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance,
rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter
who you meet - they have some form of the three. It doesn't have to be good.
Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead
and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men
who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their
integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will
surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick
a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and
their pen (Mark Twain),
and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King
Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas
(The Wright
Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz),
and fearlessness (Neil
Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else
is screaming (Jackie
Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are
beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their
integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and
Britney Spears) will
surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are
beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and
their pen (Harper Lee),
and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt),
and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their
ideas (Oprah Winfrey),
and their integrity (Miep
Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and
their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent
(Aung San Suu
Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains,
determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you
ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember
this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly
and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a
pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat
with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to
be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i)
found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a
superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because
its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe
in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost,
or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him something to turn
to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone;
never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when
you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and
other people's feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve
to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You'll be fighting a losing battle
if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don't waste your
energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by
destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty,
ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to
use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas),
or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize
the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his
life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the
television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put
your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face,
explore his world, and let him ask questions. It's like magic.
15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn't
always a winner. Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried,"
don't. He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed.
And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard
(as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him
good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....)
Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose.
But that doesn't mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help
others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help
and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart
and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more
opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way
your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes
perfect.
This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like
sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better
writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become
better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to
understand (that means from birth, folks - they are making sense of the world as
soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before
the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a
trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier.
Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, "Why?"
Answer him, or search
for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his
dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet
searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers
himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask
you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on
you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do
things
...without interrupting about how to do it the 'right way.' If you
let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up,
some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows
nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything.
You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad
will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with
life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is
happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad
will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his
energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give
him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff. and then you'll
sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the
ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a
couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living
room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to
know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new
places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the
ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons
will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and
wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when
they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to
look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what
happens in between that made you lose that?' Let's try to stop the cycle by
kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild.
Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old.
You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and
make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too).
25. Be home base
You are home to
him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then
come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries
something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he
will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only
one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search
for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really
messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and
he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his
mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new
woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the
ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will
fall into place.
